"I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places." -- Henny Youngman
"As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life - so I became a scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls." -- M. Cartmill
"Strange as it seems, no amount of learning can cure stupidity, and higher education positively fortifies it." -- Stephen Vizinczey
"I'm thirty years old, but I read at the thirty-four-year-old level." -- Dana Carvey
"I'm too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don't know." -- Garry Shandling
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